Is it too early to call it a plateau?

This week I only lost .2 pounds from last week.  And ever since Tuesday, the scale has not budged!  That's pretty unusual for me, at least so far.  I'm worried that this is the start of a plateau.  I even increased my exercise to try and kick things up a notch, but the damn scale still won't budge!  I had hoped for a good loss this week, but I'm not holding my breath!  Especially with going out of town this weekend, too.  Just wish I could get things moving again!  I thought increasing the exercise would do it...I really did.  And maybe my body just has to adjust.  

Either way, I know I should focus more on the activity and eating better than on the number on the scale.  But I really wanted to be below 220 by the time I go in for my PAP at the OB's office.  Last time I was there, I still weighed in the upper 250's, so I wanted to be much better this time around.  

Maybe I'll see a big decrease in measurements.  That's really the most important thing anyway.  No one except me and the doctor will actually know the number on the scale, but if I'm trimmed down and not so lumpy, I'll be able to wear smaller clothes.

Struggling once again

Down to 227 even.  I was 226.4 but then gained some back over the weekend, and was 227 for my official weigh-in on Tuesday.  I need to get my butt in gear again.  

I got the results of my bloodwork back.  Everything is good except my bad cholesterol is 110.  Should be 100 or less.  So they recommended increasing my exercise.  After telling them that I do 5-6 days a week for 30 minutes a day, they told me I should do 50+ minutes 5 days a week!  Ugh!!  So I'm trying to increase my exercise a bit.  I'm doing 3 days of cardio, 45 minutes.  Then 3 days of strength training and trying to do 20-30 minutes of cardio those days too.  I don't know if I'll be able to sustain this all the time but I'm going to try.  Also hoping the increase in exercise will also help kick start the weight loss again.  

I have 2 months until the beach (2 months and 1 week) and I'd wanted to be below 210 for that.  That would be an ambitious goal for me now, but now I'm saying maybe 215 by then.  I really wish I would see some improvement in my arms by then!  My arms are atill so flabby!  If they weren't, I would be more comfortable wearing tank tops.  Still debating using those It Works wraps just for the beach.  We'll see.

40 pounds gone (not official yet)

I weighed myself this morning and was 227.6. That makes 40.4 pounds gone!  My official weigh in isn't until tomorrow so it doesn't count yet.  But this also means I need to be really good at the neighborhood BBQ today!  I want that 40 pound mark soo badly!!

I know it is completely ridiculous of me to think this, but I'm considering doing one of the "It Works" body wraps on my arms, stomach, butt, and thighs before the beach.  Supposedly those shrink down fat and tighten loose skin.  Also can help with the appearance of cellulite. Since those are my worst areas, I'm considering it just for the beach trip.  I have no idea how much it would cost, or if it would even work.  I'd hate to spend the money for nothing.  But if it did work, maybe it'd help me feel more confident about myself while down there.

Struggling

My absence in writing these blog posts probably isn't helping matters.  I've still had consistent losses but it's getting easier and easier for me to slip up, or give in too often.  When I weighed in on Tuesday, I was only .6 pounds away from 40 pounds lost.  Then I slipped up and wasn't careful and now I'm desperately battling to get back there, and hopefully hit that 40 pound mark!  I'm still exercising pretty consistently, 5-6 days a week.  I've started doing the Leslie Sansone videos again, but watching different ones on YouTube.  Those still make me sweat!  And I can use those towards my 18 mile goal this month.

I've taken my measurements too and noticed more inches gone!  Sure wish I'd see some improvements in my arms!

I'm down to a 1200 calorie daily limit.  I'm finding it harder to stay within that.  Even when I exercise, I end up eating most of those calories.  I need to regain control there!

New Decade!

Today was weigh-in day - 229.8!  I'm in a new decade of numbers, and only 1.8 pounds away from 40 pounds lost!  So close!  I'm hoping to get there by next week but also recognize that it may take 2 weeks.  I'm curious to see if I've lost more inches.  I tried on a bunch of clothes in my closet.  So far everything got except 1 pair of shorts .  I could get that pair on and buttoned/zipped but it gave me horrible muffin top!  One of the pairs of capris is also slightly tighter than it should be, but isn't too bad.  I just found more shirts and another pair of shorts to try in too!  Hoping those fit too. That would get me all set for summer.

Renewed motivation!

Still hanging out around 230.8!  Wish I could get down that last pound to be in the 220's again!  Still have this whole weekend and Monday before weigh-in day, so maybe I can still get there!  If not this week, then maybe next.

I tried on my old clothes today.  Some were from a couple years ago, and some were from before Colby was born.  Most of them fit me!!  Even an old pair of capris that were my favorite and haven't fit in years!  There was a pair of shorts that buttoned and zipped but gave me horrible muffin top.  I also decided to try on the 2 size 16 dresses that are hanging in my closet, the ones I wore on our honeymoon cruise.  They both went on!!  They were a little tighter than I would have liked but they still went on!!  That is huge because before they wouldn't even go over my shoulders!  I wouldn't be too comfortable wearing them right now, at least not without spanx, but another 20 pounds or so, and a few more inches and they would look pretty good!

I think maybe a few more shirts, and I should be good with clothes this summer!  I have about 8 pairs of capris and shorts that will work for me now, and about 6 or so shirts.  If I could get them up to 10, I'd be happy!

Dropping calories again?

So yesterday I only ate a net of just over 1000 calories.  This morning I had a good drop on the scale again.  So now I'm wondering if I've lost enough weight that I need to reduce my calories again!  I hesitate to do that because I've been hungry a lot already!  But I know it makes sense...reducing calories as I reduce weight.  Ugh!!!  I guess that also means I'll have to exercise even more to buy back some calories.  So I either sacrifice food or time.  And I still have 70 more pounds to lose!  Ugh!!!!

Ok so...I'm going to have to bump up the exercise.  I think I can do that.  If I do my 30 minutes at lunch, then find another 15-20 somewhere else in the day, that might help. I don't have to do it all in one shot.  

God help me if I have another plateau!!

Seem to be stuck...

The weight loss has slowed down a lot again.  Last week I was down only .8, week before only .2.  So far this week I've stayed exactly the same as my weigh-in.  I know I've been extra hungry this week due to my period!  But I'm also feeling like I need to switch things up again.  Louie and I are still going for walks 3 times a week at lunch, and I'm still doing the strength training 3 times a week, but I'm wondering if I need to do something different or something more.  I've been thinking about trying kickboxing or Zumba, and I was also thinking about picking up my walking DVD again.  Maybe I've lost enough weight now that I need to adjust my calories.  Maybe I need to eat more fruits and veggies.  Not sure what I need to do, but I'm stalling out.  I'm so close to 40 pounds lost, and I want to get there!  

Ups and downs

The last week has been a lot of ups and downs, not just with the scale, but emotionally as well.  

This morning I was 232.2.  But when I just weighed myself now, I was up a bit, so I'm sure I won't see that number on the scale for weigh-in day tomorrow.  I'm just hoping I won't be higher than 233, which was last week's number!  I'm disappointed with myself for letting my emotions take over and not eating the best today.    But it is what it is, and I'll move forward tomorrow.

It's been a really hard week.  We went to Corning this weekend only to get a flat tire.  They couldn't plug it, so they suggested either 2 new or 4 new tires.  Since our tires were crap anyway, we got the 4.  We'd planned to get new tired bit not right now.  We're still trying to recover financially!  So that threw a wrench in the works.  Then yesterday I found out that one of the babies in Lily's room at daycare was diagnosed with cancer.  She's 5 months old.  Just hit really close to home, and I've been an emotional wreck since last night.  Then today we get a notice from our insurance that they denies the original claim from Coram for Lily's formula!  So I have no idea what that means now...are we going to get a bill for the 2 shipments we've received so far?  Can we still order more?!  Why the fuck was it denied in the first place?!?  I'm waiting for a call back from the care coordinator nurse who worked on it originally.

Plus my car needs to be fixed...no idea what's wrong with it or how much that will cost!

I am just so tired, and emotional!  But, I need to reign it in, and get myself back into laser focus!

Temptations....

We're planning to go out to Cheesecake Factory tonight for dinner with Kerry.  I know they have a SkinnyLicious menu so I'm trying to plan ahead.  I think I'm going to get either the Caesar salad or the chicken samosas.  But it's going to be so tempting to get a slice of cheesecake!!  I'm thinking maybe I'll split a slice with Louie and Colby.  That way, I can have a few bites and then be done.  Tomorrow is weigh-in day, though, and right now I am exactly 2 pounds down from last week. I really don't want to do anything to screw it up!!  This also puts me at 35 pounds gone!  

Lily spit up on both pair of my new jeans on Saturday. So Sunday morning, I pulled out my old jeans from the closet.  These were the ones I wore before I had Colby! When I tried them on in early February, I couldn't zip or button them all the way.  When I put them on Sunday, I could zip and button.  The waist is slightly tighter than it should be but not too bad!  I need to go through the rest of the clothes in my closet, as well as Colby's and Lily's stuff.  I have no idea if my capris will fit, or the shorts I have.  I need to try on my bathing suits too.  I'm hoping my old summer clothes will fit enough to get me through this next season.

Damn carbs!

Was doing really well today .  I weighed 233.4 when I woke up. Louie and I went for a run/walk again at lunch.  But then I had pizza wheels for dinner.  Weighed tonight at 235.4!  So I'll be up a bit in the morning.  Hopefully temporary, and will come off quickly!

Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day .  In addition to working, I need to try to fold laundry, clean the house, bake and decorate the cupcakes, exercise, pay bills, send in my monthly invoice....

Feel like bragging!

Checked my weight before bed...234.6!  Should be down below this morning's weigh-in by tomorrow morning!  I'm so close to 35 pounds gone!  I'm anxious to try on some of my old summer clothes and see if they fit me again.  I hope so because I don't want to spend too much money on new clothes just yet.  If I can get by for the summer season, that would be a good thing!

I did buy a new bra today ... 40C.  The band is slightly tighter than it should be but the cups fit perfect!  Hopefully the band won't be snug for too long.  It's not uncomfortably snug or anything, just a bit tighter than I'm used to.

I keep thinking about the beach trip this year.  I know I'm still going to be overweight and look overweight, but I would love to feel at least a little more confident than I usually am.  I keep thinking about my purple swim suit with the halter top...I would love for that to fit and look good on me!  Still hoping to drop another 20 pounds by then.  Maybe those 2 dresses will fit me by then too.  Not that I have occasion to wear them but I would like to fit in them again and have them look good on me!

Figures....

Day after weigh-in, and I'm down quite a bit more today!  233.8.  Oh well, just means if I keep at it, I'll have an even better loss next week.

Today is a strength training day.  I need to find some different exercises to do...especially for arms.  And I want to make sure I'm using all the muscles.  I wish I had more time to devote to exercise.  I can only really do 30 minutes at lunch, but on strength training days, that's not really enough.  I could easily go 40+ minutes.  I don't know how people for in an hour or more each day!  When do they do it?

Thank The Lord, I had a loss!

It was only .2 pounds but the way thighs went last week, I could not have been happier!!  So I was 235 even this morning - 33 pounds gone!  When I weighed just before bed, I was 235.4, so should be down eve more tomorrow.  It's amazing how that works when you are on track!  I did much better today.  Louie and I went out for a run/walk at lunch.  I couldn't run very much because of my congestion and cough.  But we walked pretty fast when we did walk, and we did it for about a half hour.  I think I'd like to try to keep up with that, and maybe build up running a little longer at a time.

I re-took my bust measurements this evening with my usual bra, and that shows that I have actually lost an inch.  When I took them before with the stretched out white bra, it showed no inches lost.  So I'm going to update my spreadsheet to reflect with the bra I usually wear.

I'm still in the number 1 overall spot for the Biggest Loser competition.  I don't have a huge lead but I'm hoping a couple more good weeks wil help cement that.  I need to be really good until May 1, when we weigh in with pictures again.  I would love to be 233 by the end of this month.  Though I've already lost 6.6 pounds this month, and that is still awesome!  

I'm still hoping to be under 215 for the beach trip.  I'd have to lose 6 pounds each month to hit that goal.

I fell off the wagon....

Last week was really rough, and I fell off the wagon this past weekend.  I was sick on Tuesday and Wednesday, Lily was sick Thursday and Friday, then we had a birthday party Saturday , then Easter Sunday, and I got sick again.  I've been a bottomless pit when it comes to food lately, and having the Easter candy around just did me in!  I didn't exercise as much because of being sick either.  I pulled myself back on track today but it was tough!

I'm probably looking at a small gain tomorrow.  Last week I was 235.2.  I just weighed before bed and I was 237 even, so guessing I'll be about 235.8 in the morning.  We'll see, I guess.  

Tomorrow is supposed to be a run day, and of course the weather is calling for rain!  If it does, though, I'll run inside.  I just need to do something!  Hopefully I start feeling better soon!  

This is going to be a crazy week too.  Colby's birthday party is this 

Saturday, so I have cleaning to do, shopping to do, favor bags to put together, gifts to wrap, etc.  Plus making the cupcakes and food.

I now weigh what I did on my wedding day!

Weighed in officially this morning and was 235.2!  I am pretty sure this now puts me where I was, or lower than I was, on my wedding day!  

I'm feeling pretty awful today - sore throat, post nasal drip, fatigue, stomach pain, achy, and very hot!  I had the window open for a breeze but had to close it due to the rain.  But I feel like I'm roasting!  I was going to start running outside today but not in the rain, and not when I'm feeling awful.  And part of it is self-conscious fear of people seeing me and hearing me suck wind!  Ugh!!  I know I should do it, and I need to do it, but I have to get beyond the fear and embarrassment!  So going to try to push myself to do it on Thursday.

I did, however, still run in place upstairs to get my cardio in.  I only did 15 minutes of running, 10 of walking, but figured that was ok given that I'm sick.  At least I did SOMETHING!

Plus hopefully by Thursday, my shins won't hurt so much still.  They are definitely much better than they were but still sore.  I'm really curious to see where I'll be at by the end of this month, both weight-wise and with my measurements. I know when I peeked a few days ago at measurements, I had already lost some around my hips and waist.  I really do need to keep track of thighs and arms too!  

My jeans that I just bought are getting loose and baggy, and my bras are getting pouchy.  The 3 Old Navy t-shirts I bought a month ago are now too big.  I need to dig through my old clothes and try some stuff on.  I know I have a whole bunch of old shirts and capris and shorts that will hopefully fit me again.  Should get me through summer.  But I'm going to need bras!  Maybe I can try stuff on this weekend...at least get an idea of how much more I need to lose to fit into those clothes.  

Sore!!

My shins and ankles hurt, as does my lower back.  I did a yoga stretching video from YouTube and that helped.  

I am going to start having green smoothies as part of my breakfasts weekday mornings.  I bought spinach, frozen fruit mixes, and bananas.  Hope it comes out ok!

I also am thinking of a new workout plan. I think I'm going to do strength training Mon/Wed/Fri, and do running outside Tues/Thurs/Sat, and then yoga on Sundays.  My plan is to do the C25K over, only this time running as fast as I can during the running portions.  We'll see.

I have my doctor appointment tomorrow. For once, I'm actually looking forward to it.  I'm curious as to what they'll say about my weight loss, and how the bloodwork will come out.  I weighed 238.8 before bed so hoping for 237-ish in the morning.  My appointment isn't until afternoon but hopefully it won't be too bad.

5K Completed!

Today was my 5K.  It is much different running outside than running in place inside!  I started out tired! I ended up walking about a half mile of it.  There were no mile markers, and we guesstimated that we had done about 1 mile.  I didn't think I could keep up running for another 2 miles so we walked for about 8 minutes then ran again.  Turns out we were farther than we thought and the finish line was SO close. I'm bummed because had I known, I would have just pushed through and ran.  

My time was 46 minutes 11 seconds.  Not great... About a 15 minute mile.  I'm going to spend this year working on getting used to running outside and trying to increase my speed.  There's another 5K in Vermont, the Humane Society's Walk for the Animals, on June 15.  I'm tempted to register for that one too.  Tracy is trying to convince me to sign up for a 10K at the end of this year.  I don't think I'm ready for that.  Maybe next spring.  But I need to increase my speed before I do anything like that!  So maybe I'll shoot for the 5K in June, then try to find another one in September, then October.  By then I should be more used to running and getting faster.

I did not eat as well today for dinner but hoping all the exercise today will balance it out.

Made it through a tough weekend!

We traveled to VT this weekend to celebrate Colby's, Louie's, and Tracy's birthdays.  I was worried but I had a plan and stuck with it.  I got my turkey chef salad at Pizza Putt, then ordered 8 veggie spring rolls from Bamboo Hut for dinner.  I was a little worried about that because of the sodium.  Then I had a brownie for dessert.  Today I had a yogurt and banana for breakfast, had 2 slices of turkey, 2 slices of cheese, a handful of chips, and a cup of red flannel hash for lunch, but ate 3 brownies throughout the day!  For dinner, we were so late getting home that I just had 2 waffles.  I know I didn't get enough water this weekend either but did get in about 20 minutes of strength training today.  

After all that, I was worried about what I might see on the scale tonight.  But it was really good!  239 even, which means most likely will be below 238 tomorrow!  So that's really encouraging!!

I bought my jog bra today at Lane Bryant, and also bought a shirt.  It was a size 14/16!  I usually take an 18/20!  

I need to be laser focused this week, even while in NYC!  I need to try to get in my practice runs, strength training, and make sure my eating is under control!  I'll run tomorrow, and then try to do one either Wednesday or Thursday, and then Saturday is the 5K!  I can't believe it!

I have so much I need to do this week!  I need to get laundry done, pack, print my train tickets, map out the subway ride from Penn Station to the hotel, go grocery shopping, exercise, spend time with the kids...God, I'm going to miss the kids, and I'm going to be worried about how Louie is managing!  Especially since he's not feeling well!  I really hope he's not sick while I'm gone!  And I hope he doesn't get me or the kids sick!

30 pounds by tomorrow?

I think it might be possible!  Just weighed before bed - 239.8!  Which means most likely will be somewhere in 238 in the morning - just wondering if I'll hit it dead on to make 30 pounds gone!  I'm keeping my fingers crossed!  And definitely need to keep my eating in check this weekend!

Maybe I can be down to 237 by the 5K and my doctor appointment.  I'd like to be far enough into the 230's to have it not register in the 240's with my clothes on. Odd goal, but there it is.

I did a quick check of measurements.  Stomach is still not budging, but hips have dropped down more.  I also measured arms and thighs.  So I can keep track that way too.  I couldn't measure bust because I'd already taken my bra off.

Still in the 230's!

This morning I was down another .2 - 239.6!  Hey, I'll take it!  That puts me 2 pounds down from Tuesday's weigh-in and puts me a little more solidly in the 230's.  But now I really have to be good this weekend.  Lots of temptation for sure, but I think I have a plan.  At Pizza Putt, I'm going to order the chef salad.  For dinner, I'm going to order a salad from Zachary's, and 2 spring rolls from Yummy's.  Not sure about Sunday breakfast yet, but I'll have red flannel hash for lunch.  Hopefully this will help keep me on track.  Also going to bring my weights and try to work out either Saturday sometime or, more likely, Sunday.

I want to sign up for another 5K too.  Gotta keep the momentum going!  I'll probably wait until after this one and see how I do.  But I don't want to lose the motivation, and I'm already finding myself thinking about running less since I don't have the official C25K training going on.  But I need to run for at least 30 minutes still now til my 5K.

I have my annual physical on Monday the 14th.  I'm hoping to be down to 238 by then, preferably lower.  But 238 would put me at 30 pounds lost!  And I'm looking forward to being able to tell them what I'm doing to take control of my weight and health.  Curious, too, to have my bloodwork run and make sure my blood sugars are no longer borderline for diabetes.  I hope everything checks out!

Hello, 230's!

Yep!!  Made it into the 230's this morning!!  239.8!  Just barely but I'm there!  I'm not sure if it's the varying of my calories, or adding the strength training, or both, but that scale is finally moving again!  I'm just going to keep this up and see where things go.  I'm going to have to be very careful this weekend, though.  I need to be in super control of my food.  More and more for dinner on Saturday, I'm thinking I may eat some red flannel hash and then order either a salad or veggie spring rolls.  I do not want a sodium gain throwing off my weigh-in on Tuesday!  This is the first one of BBL Round 2, and there's $110 on the line!  I want to start out strong!

Woohoo!

Well, I was right!  Down to 240.4 this morning!  Down 1.2 from yesterday!  If I'd kept my weigh-in day on Wednesday, I would have been down 2 pounds!  But hey, I'm so close to being in the 230's now!  That's pretty exciting!  I had wanted to be 230's by the time I met Steve...might still be possible now.  Though I have a huge bump in the road this weekend with traveling to VT.  Not so much eating at Pizza Putt because I can get a salad, but ordering Chinese for dinner could be bad.  I suppose I could order from Zachary's instead.  I could get a salad and wings.  Or just the salad and maybe 2 spring rolls from Yummy's.

It's working!

My new plan seems to be working!  I started the strength training on Saturday, and started varying the amounts of calories I eat each day.  This morning for weigh-in, I was down .8 pounds, and when I weighed tonight, I was only .2 more than that!  It's so good to see that scale moving again!  I did another round of weight training today, and tomorrow is my last official C25K training session.  After this, it's just practice runs until the 5K!

I started Batties Biggest Loser round 2 today.  So now switching my weigh-in days to Tuesdays.  I won the previous round so that's $50 as the prize.  This round, there's $80 in the pot!  I want to get a FitBit so badly!  I'd like to do it now and put my $50 toward it, but I'd still be paying $40 out of pocket.  

Next week, I'm going to NYC to meet my manager Steve and coworker Laurie.  I had really hoped to be in the 230's by then (and preferably not just barely in the 230's!).  Not sure that will happen so I just have to accept that.  Oh well.  It is what it is.  What I need to focus on more is how I'm still going to fit in the exercise while there, and keeping myself accountable with my eating.  Part of me wants to try out the gym at the hotel, but the other part is just not comfortable with that yet.  Plus I really don't want to bring all my special clothes.  I'm debating bringing my 5 lb weights, though.  I'm not sure.  

I'm nervous about going to NYC by myself, nervous about meeting Steve, nervous that my shyness will kick in...nervous about how Louie is going to handle both kids while I'm gone, and dreading being away from them.  I don't know how people who travel a lot for business and have kids do it.  I hate it!

Anyway, I was thinking about my measurements.  I was only taking bust, waist, and hips.  I'm wondering now if I should also take arm and thigh measurements too.  Especially with the strength training...it'd be good to see if I'm losing inches there too.  I may do that tomorrow.

New plan

So I'm trying to mix it up a bit.  My previous plan worked great for 3 months, and I lost 25 pounds!  But now my weight loss has slowed way down, and I'm starting to see maintains or slight gains!  So I'm thinking I need to switch things around.  

My new plan is to still do C25K Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but I'm going to start adding in strength training Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.  I am also going to try mixing up my calories a bit - keep toward the high side of my goal one day, then go lower the next day, etc.  I'm hoping that these changes will kind of kick start the weight loss again.

I started this today, and I am embarrassed at how weak I am!  My original plan was to spend 20-30 minutes on legs today, but I couldn't do it!  My legs were too tired after about 8 minutes!  So I ended up doing abs and arms too.

Legs:

Squats - 3 sets of 15

Lunges - 5 on each side

Outer thigh leg lifts:  2 sets of 15 on each side

Inner thigh leg lifts:  2 sets of 15 on each side

Abs:  

10 crunches

Arms:

Bicep curls: 2 sets of 15 with 10 lb weights

Overhead 1-arm press:  1 set of 10 with 10 lb weights on each side

Tricep press:  1 set of 10 with 10 lb weights on each side

Fly-outs:  1 set of 10 with 5 lb weights

My legs and arms felt like jelly after!!  I definitely need to keep pushing.  I'm keeping a close eye on the scale over the next few weeks as I start to do this more.  I'm really hoping it'll cause some downward movement instead of up!

The other thing I need to do is make sure I rest.  This is something new I'm trying so it's all I can think about and I want to do more.  But I need to pace myself.

Need to shake things up a bit

So this Wednesday for weigh-in, I was only down another .6 pounds.  Still down, and I wasn't too surprised, considering I'd been up and down all week.  But then this morning I'm back up .4!  Very frustrating.  I know this is normal, but I'm thinking maybe there's something I can do to shake things up a bit and get things moving.  I'm going to try running every day...do my regular long C25K runs Mon/Wed/Fri, then do maybe an 8-10 minute run Tues/Thurs/Sat.  I'm also really thinking about starting to add in strength training.  Maybe I could try it for a few days and see what it does to the scale.  I do know that I didn't get as much water as I should have yesterday.  I've noticed that the days I drink more water, the scale reflects a loss.  So I need to focus on pushing the water as much as I can.

My Biggest Loser competition is coming to a close on Tuesday.  Pretty sure I've won this one.  We're starting round 2 on Tuesday as well.  This time, I'm running it.  I'm going to try to be more active on it - instead of just posting numbers, I want to post some questions that get people thinking.  Something that's going to help keep people focused on their end goal.  I'm thinking about having everyone post their overall goals and motivations, and then pick one thing that is the most important to them to focus on during the entire competition.  Then order the rest in order of priority, and take one each week, or every 2 weeks to add.

Just so confused...

So last night I weighed myself before bed and it was back up a lot!  So I was sure I was going to be up on the scale this morning.  Nope!  Down .2 pounds from Wednesdays weigh-in.  I don't get why I'm so up and down!  I mean, I'm happy that I was down this morning, and at this point I'll take ANY loss on the scale this week.  But it's an emotional roller coaster to have the numbers jump all over the place!  And the rational person would say, "easy fix - don't weigh twice a day!"  And the rational part of me knows that, but the irrational part wins out.

I did have some pretty cool success today.  When I went to walmart this weekend to buy jeans, I had to buy size 20's, same size as the pair I was wearing.  But the pair I was wearing was too big, but the 18's at Walmart were slightly too small.  So today I measures the waistband of my old jeans and the waistband of the new jeans.  The new jeans are almost 2" smaller in the waist!  So that prompted me to take my measurements, since it's been about a month.  My bust stayed the same (though not sure how since the cups feel big now), my waist was down .5", and my hips were down a full inch!  Finally some progress outside of the number on the scale!  It may not be much, but it's something!

Louie said he thought most of the weight I've lost so far is most noticeable in my butt.  LOL  I guess it kind of makes sense, though, with the running.  That works out mostly thighs, legs, and butt.  Guess I need to do something up too too!  Some women from my pregnancy group are doing a 30-day ab, glute, and leg workout. Maybe I'll try that and see how I do.  I really should start lifting weights too.  My arms need help.

YoYoing

I'm starting to get frustrated!  This week has been up and down!  I hit 25 pounds on Wednesday, and since then, it's been up!  I was back down almost to 25 pounds this morning, and now it looks like I'll be back up again tomorrow .  This is getting old!  I know I wasn't as diligent this weekend, but still stayed within my points (just didn't do any exercise).  Argh!!!!  Well, just have to keep on pushing on.  Maybe my body just needs to play catch-up.

Not the best day...

Today was one of those days where I just wanted to say "Screw eating healthy and exercising!"  It felt like the whole day was rushed and stressful!  Started this morning with getting Colby to baseball, which we were running late for.  Then came home, and fed Lily while Colby shot robots, then Lily and I went to the grocery store while Louie got Colby down for nap.  Lily was very fussy from that point on!  When Colby woke up, we went bowling, then shopping at Target, then picked up pizza for dinner. 

I felt tired and rushed all day, so didn't do any official exercise today.  We did do the bowling which counts for something.  Then with the pizza - I had planned to have 2 slices.  I had 3, and it didn't even taste that good!  I had the calories for it but wondered about the sodium!

But, I just weighed myself (my pre-sleep wright check), and I was 244.8...so that's actually 1.2 pounds below last nights check.  So maybe I'm ok!

Frustrated!!

So Wednesday I had hit 25 pounds gone!  I was 243 even!  Today, I was 244.6!  No idea why.  The only thing I can think of is that I had a grilled pastrami sandwich for lunch yesterday, and maybe the sodium got me?  Very annoying though!  I hate the ups and downs more than anything!  I am trying to tell myself that I just need to keep going, it's temporary, and that as long as I keep eating better and exercising, the weight will come off.  It doesn't matter how slowly, as long as it's coming off. But still frustrating!

I'm running 25 minutes straight today for C25K, and I'm so tired I don't know how I'm going to get through it!  But I'm going to push myself.  

I think I need to come up with some different ideas for lunches too...something lower calorie.  Maybe something lower calorie for breakfast too.  I love the fruit and yogurt parfaits but it is 300+ calories.  Maybe I'll do some recipe searches today and see what I can find.

25 pounds gone!!

Another mini-milestone today!  25 pounds gone!  Almost 1/4 of the way to my goal.  I didn't actually think I would hit that today because my weight loss had slowed down a lot.  But managed to pull off 1.8 pounds this week to hit it on the nose!

Today is Week 6, Day 3 of C25K and I'm running 22 minutes straight.  20 was tough but I'm going to keep pushing myself.  I'm going to do this and finish it out.  I've lost 25 pounds in 11 weeks.  Maybe I can lose 15-20 more in another 11 weeks!  Hmm, should I make it a goal?  40 pounds lost by June 4?  I wish the Biggest Loser competition was still going on longer for more than one week. Next week is our last weigh-in, and I'm pretty sure the other girls won't be interested in continuing.  I feel like it is highly motivating!  I guess I'll have to focus on keeping it up for the 5K, and then make my own goals to work towards.

Maintaining

After my crazy loss last week, this week is much slower.  I was 244.8 last Wednesday, and today I'm 244.4.  Tomorrow is my official weigh-in day so we'll see what that brings.  I had hopes to say I'd lost 25 pounds but that's unlikely at this point.  But I'm kind of okay with that, too.  I am starting to feel some changes in my clothes.  My jeans are getting looser, to the point where I can almost pull them down without unbuttoning or unzipping.  I haven't tried on any other jeans yet, but I may do that this weekend, or maybe I'll go look during lunch.  I'm also starting to see more definition in my waist.  So that's encouraging!  Still so anxious to get into the 230's but I'm also trying to tell myself that it's ok to take my time.  I've lost 23.6 pounds so far, and that's nothing to sneeze at!  I've done that in 11 weeks, averaging 2.15 pounds per week.  That's healthy and safe.  So I'll just keeping pushing forward and will see more losses.  

I think I need to play around with my calories too.  I'm trying to tell if there's a pattern between how many calories I net in a day vs. the rate of loss.  I don't want to be eating too few calories but also don't want to be eating too much and have that be the reason for maintaining.  

Creeping again

Was down to 243.8 this morning but I'm not sure how accurate that is.  It was almost 9:00 by the time I weighed myself, and it's usually 6:00!  I did weigh less before bed last night so I'm sure I did have some loss, but probably not quite that much.  I'm just hoping it will continue to Wednesday.  Still really want to get solidly into the 230's by the time I go to NYC in April.  I'm only 4-ish pounds away from the 230's now!  Hard to believe that I am almost back to what I weighed when Louie and I got married, but I'm nowhere near the size I was. I was wearing size 16 dresses.  Though I do remember them being a bit tighter than they should have been.  But right now I'm still in a size 20 jeans.  I wonder when I'll see changes in sizes.  That's what I really want to see!

Sometimes I get sick of coming up with subject lines...

Seriously, it's hard to come up with a subject line every entry!

Was down another .2 this morning...244.6.  I'm less than 2 pounds away from the 25 pound mark.  25 pounds was my goal for the whole year, and here it is mid-March and I'm almost there!  Davy thinks I can triple that this year.  I'd be happy to even double it!

Well, that was unexpected!

244.8!  That was the number I saw on the scale this morning when I weighed in for my official weigh-in!  I was expecting maybe 245.8 or 246, but 244.8 was a complete shock!  So now I'm only 5 pounds from the next decade of numbers!  I don't think it's quite sunken in yet!  

Today is week 5 day 3 of C25K, and I'm running 20 minutes straight today.  Going to be interesting!  Lol. We'll see how I do!

Feeling positive...

After inching my way down the scale this week, I was happy to weigh-in this morning and see 246.8!  A total of 21.2 pounds gone so far!  And tomorrow is my official weigh-in day, so I'm hoping to squeak out a little bit more by then.  7 pounds til the next decade of numbers!

I'm so tempted to retake my measurements but I know I just took them a week or so ago...so not likely to be much change yet.  And I don't want to get frustrated with no progress there if I really haven't given it enough time.  Patience is definitely not my strong suit, but I do need to learn to be patient when it comes to weight loss and my health.  My biggest nemesis is unrealistic expectations!  I'm probably not going to be at goal weight by the end of the year.  I may not be under 200 by the time we go to the beach in August.  I'm most likely still going to have cellulite and rolls, and very likely to have loose skin.  But as long as I keep this up, regardless of anything else, I'll be healthier and in better shape than I am now!  And that's really what I need to focus on.  Sure, the vain part of me wants to improve how I look, but more importantly I need to improve how I feel and my attitude and my behavior.

Tomorrow is C25K week 5, day 3, and I'm running 20 minutes solid.  I'm worried about how I'm going to do,but it should give me a good idea of where I'm at in preparation for the 5K.  20 minutes is an estimated 1.75 miles.  Just over half a 5K. Should be interesting!

Well, at least it's down...

Yep, definitely think my body is just holding onto weight right now!  Why, you ask?  Well, yesterday I was 247.8 from 248.  Today - 247.6.  LOL  Yep, inching my way down!  But hey, at least it is down and not up!  Plus I think my body is battling hormones as well.  This would normally be my period week, but I've been bleeding for the last week already...so I think everything is just all out of whack!

Can definitely tell hormones are at play here because I've been so easily frustrated this weekend and so far this morning.  Borderline emotional, and all I can think about is having a day where I don't have to work, don't have kids around, and can just veg and do what I want!  I feel like I can't relax and yet I just want to go to sleep!

Today is Week 5 Day 2 of C25K, and I have to run for 8 minutes, walk for 5, run for 8.  It's going to be interesting.  I kept getting twinges in my knee yesterday while going up and down stairs...I hope I'm not developing joint issues!  I'll be mad if I can't run after all this time!

Slowly, Slowly....

I think my body is trying to hold onto every bit of weight possible lately.  I was 248 on Friday, and today (Sunday), I'm only down to 247.8!  I was hoping to be a bit further...but oh well.  I have til Wednesday to lose more for my official weigh-in.

I'm taking today as a rest day from exercise.  I've done 6 days this week, and I can feel some strain in my calves.  Tomorrow is going to be a big running day in C25K...running 8 minutes at a time, twice.  So definitely need to rest up for that.

I went shopping at Old Navy yesterday and tried on some clothes.  I got 3 shirts in a XXL, and 1 shirt in an XL.  I also got another running shirt and a zippered jacket for running.  I spent more than I intended but I was happy that I was able to find clothes I liked that fit!  I'm going to take my measurements at the end of every month and see if I can see a difference over time.  

20 Pounds Gone!!!

My sodium gain has finally gone, and this morning when I weighed myself, I was 248!  20 pounds gone!! Now to keep pushing forward!  Next step - get below 240!  9 pounds away.  Trying to get there by end of this month is going to be tricky, since I only have 3 weigh-ins left between now and then, but I'm going to get as close as I can!  

Today starts week 5 of C25K.  Today I'm jogging for 5 minutes, walking 3, jog 5, walk 3, jog 5.  I'm actually feeling pretty pumped about it!  I'm starting to believe that maybe I really can do this!  I think I really might be able to run the 5K.  I'm sure it's going to be tough, and my legs are going to be exhausted by the end, but I'm starting to really think I can do it!

I've been considering starting strength training.  I've read a lot of articles saying that it's very important and beneficial...but I'm so afraid to add weight regardless of whether it's muscle or not.  I think what I may do is wait til I'm below 200 and then start.  That seems like a long way off but I'm hoping to be there by September or October.

Finally going in the right direction again

Weighed in this morning and was still up from last Wednesday, but only by .8 pounds.  Hopefully I can work to get to that 20 pound mark for this coming Wednesday!  I'm disappointed to have lost a whole week but I also need to realize that this is a journey, and there are going to be bumps in the road.  And it could have been so much worse, so at least I'm grateful for that!  I just need to refocus and work my way toward the 230's!  

First reported gain. :(

Today was my official weigh-in day, and I had to report a gain due to the sodium from this weekend. It just kept hanging on!  But I weighed myself this evening and tomorrow should look better (though will probably still be higher than last Wednesday).  But at least it seems to be on it's way back down!  Maybe I can make that 20 pound mark by next Wednesday!  And apparently I need to be very very cautious about sodium!  I've lost a full week of progress so far, and am still not back to where I was.  It's just not worth it!

On a more positive note, today I finished week 4 of the C25K.  Friday starts week 5, where I'm doing 3 sets of running for 5 minutes straight.  5 minutes this week was tough, but I know the time is just going to keep increasing!  It needs to, if I'm going to make progress, right?  I have 4 weeks left of the training, and 6 weeks before the 5K I signed up for.  And I want to run the whole thing so badly! More to prove to everyone and myself that I am serious about this and can do it!  I just have to keep pushing and results will be visible!

Dealing with a sodium gain again

I suppose it's not overly surprising, considering we ate 3 meals out this weekend, one of which was Chinese.  I'm up to 250.4 this morning - up 1.4 from Wednesday, and 1.6 from my lowest.  Last sodium gain dragged in for 3 days.  Hopefully this one doesn't or I'll be reporting my first gain on the Battie TBL challenge!  Going to drink a lot of water today, and it is a C25K day as well.  Hopefully that will help.

I am so tired today too.  I wish I had another weekend day to recover before going back to work.  I'm tempted to fabricate a doctor's appointment just to sleep in a little bit.  I'm sure I'll feel a bit better once I'm actually up and around.  Right now I would give anything to just close my eyes again and go back to sleep!

Week 4 of C25K

Weighed in at 248.8 this morning.  Only .2 pounds down from Wednesday.  But I'm trying to look at it as only .8 away from my 20 pound goal!  I took ate a bit more than I should have Wednesday night and took yesterday off from exercising, so I guess it's not bad.

Today was my first day of week 4 of the C25K challenge.  I had to run a total of 16 minutes and walk 16 minutes.  The running was done in 2 5-minute and 2 3-minute stretches.  The 3 minute ones weren't bad anymore but the 5 minute ones were tough!  I keep thinking, here I am almost half way through the training, and running 5 minutes at a time is hard.  Am I really going to be running 35-40 minutes straight in another 5 weeks?!  Because that seems unrealistic!  But I'm sticking with this!  I'll stick it out and maybe I'll be surprised.  I'm growing more and more nervous about the 5K though, wondering if I can really do it, thinking I'll have to walk it....

Jen and I are going to do 1 mile on her road tomorrow.  We're doing a combo run/walk, but I really want to prove to myself that I can do this.  It's going to be like 15 minutes of running/walking....but I've only ever run in place.  Plus there will be hills, which I am worried about.  And I don't have good shoes.  We're going to Walmart tonight, and I'll see if I can get good shoes and something to use as workout clothes.

What I've been trying to do to stay in the moment and motivated while running is to look at myself in the mirror and watch myself run, and think about how I'm going to look thinner.  And how it's going to get easier as I lose more weight.  The more I do it, the easier it will become.  I need to focus in my next decade of numbers.  I'm 9 pounds away, and I'm going to bust my butt to get there by end of March!  I know 10 pounds each month isn't going to continue to be reasonable, but I'm going to ride that train for as long as I can.  I want to be 20 pounds down tomorrow, with 9 to go for March.  

I Did It!!

I weighed in this morning for my weekly weigh-in...249!!!  I did it!!!  I made it to my first goal!  And not even just barely!  I am solidly at that first goal!  And only 1 pound away from the 20 pound mark.  I am so excited and thrilled.  It's definitely made me even more motivated and refocused!  Next goal is to get below 225!  

Yay!!! Progress once again!

Weighed in at 250.6 this morning, exactly 1 pound less than last Wednesday and now only .8 pounds from my first goal!  I am really hoping I can still make it by tomorrow.  I did an extra (quick) walking workout this afternoon, hoping to help toward it.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I'm also telling myself that I shouldn't be disappointed if I don't quite get there.  I'm going to be close, and anything that's a negative number is a good thing!

I would love to hit 248 by March 1...20 pounds down in 2 months.  But that is a lofty goal.  And again, I'm going to get so damn close!  

When we go to Vermont this weekend, I'm already planning ahead.  If we order Chinese for dinner Saturday, I'll get the steamed dumplings and then buy salad stuff to make.  If we order from Zachary's, I'll get a salad and split an order of wings with someone.  For breakfast on Sunday, I'll order eggs and a fruit/yogurt deal.  For lunch Sunday, I'm not sure yet.  

I'm just going to push as hard as I can to keep myself motivated and keep moving in a positive direction.  Because really, what is the alternative?

Finally!!

Weighed in this morning back at 251.6, same as I was last Wednesday!  So now I only have 2 days to get more weight off before this Wednesday's weigh in!  Still hoping for that 249.8 number but I'll take whatever I can get at this point.  

I did my C25K today but it tired me out!  I think it was a combination of things:  1) I had just done some running yesterday, and 2) Colby was awake from 12:30 - 4:00 am which means we were too...I am exhausted!  Hoping Wednesday's run will be a bit easier.  I'm trying not to get discouraged at how much the running for even 3 minutes is making me out of breath.  I know I have a long way to go, and it'll improve with time.  

Jen said that when we go to her house this weekend, we can do a mile fast walk/run.  I'm nervous about that too.  Just a pile of anxiety lately!

Finally headed back in the right direction...

Was still up this morning...and more than a little aggravated!  We went out to Cracker Barrell for breakfast and I had fruit/yogurt parfait, turkey bacon, and 2 poached eggs.  The bacon and eggs were good ... The parfait was a bit lacking.  I had a normal lunch, then omelets for dinner.  This afternoon I suddenly felt like I should exercise .  So I did 10 minutes straight of running, 7 minutes of fast walking, another minute of running, then 2 more minutes of fast walking, then a 5-minute cool down.  I felt really good after!  And I felt good that I had run 10 minutes straight!  I was trying to find a speedometer app for running, but the 3 that I tried were awful! I may have to have Louie map out 1 mile, me run it, and see how long it takes me.  But I'll have to wait til I can actually run for more than 10 minutes at a time.  And til I have good running shoes.  Maybe in a couple weeks, as it gets closer to my 5K.

I did sign up for the 5K in April!  Jen and Tracy both are doing it with me.  I'm both excited and nervous!  On one hand, I would love to be able to say I ran the whole thing.  I think it would be proof to myself, and my family, as to how far I've come and that I'm serious.  On the other hand, I'm so afraid I'm not going to be able to do it, or that I won't be able to run the whole thing, or I'll be the last one passing the finish line, or that people there will judge me or make fun of me....so many thoughts going through my head!  I need to tell myself that people's thoughts about me don't matter, and that the important thing is that I'm being active.  If I have to walk part of it, so be it.  If I'm the last one across the line, at least I finished.

I'm going to increase the frequency of my workouts though.  Right now I'm only exercising 3 times a week.  I'm going to increase that to 4 days a week for now, adding a session on the weekends.  Then I'll eventually increase it to 5.

I know it's night time, but I just weighed myself and it was a more normal night time number - 253.2.  Hopefully this means I'll be back to Wednesday's weight in the morning.  And then I'll have 2 days to get more weight off before this next weigh-in.  But I also have to tell myself that it's ok if I don't get below 250 this week.  It WILL happen if I keep pushing forward.  

I want to get a tape measure and take my measurements, as another way to track my progress.  Hannaford didn't have any, so I need to find one.  I can order off Amazon but seems silly to do that for a $3 item!  I want to go to walmart and look at their activewear, and I'm certain they'd have a tape measure.  It's just a matter of actually going!  Amazon is so much easier!

Not Impressed...

Ok, sodium sucks!!  I've had more water today, ate well, and STILL seeing a gain on the scale!  Hard to tell how much right now since it's night time, but geeze!!  I'm really frustrated!  I guess this is a lesson for me, to NOT go out to eat!  Sad thing is, Louie wants to go to breakfast at Cracker Barrell tomorrow!  Ugh!!!!  Going to look up their menu tonight, make a plan, and stick to it!   

I am just so frustrated because I wanted so badly to be well below 250 for Wednesday's weigh-in, and now I'm wondering if I'll even be below what I was this past week!  I guess the other lesson it teaches me is to not get too cocky about my weight loss.  :(

Starting to get concerned...

I understood the gain yesterday, due to the sodium.  But I weighed again this morning and I was still up 1 pound - 252.6.  And I weighed about an hour later than I usually do.  I didn't think the sodium would hang on that long!  I'm trying really hard not to let it get to me, but it is bugging me.  I was really hoping to be under 250 this week, and now I'm not so sure.  I know I have until Wednesday, so still possible...I just need to be very careful!  Louie wants to go out to breakfast tomorrow morning...I'll probably just get some eggs, maybe some fruit...have to see.

I'm working on my grocery list for this week. I think we have enough leftover meat that I can make meals using the stuff in the freezer.  Trying to think of some new things, too.  

Damn Sodium!

Louie really wanted to go out to dinner last night.  I wanted to do Friendly's because I knew I could get a Caesar salad.  But he really wanted to go to Shane's Rib Shack.  So I looked up the menu and found that they had a chicken tender salad.  I figured out the calories and I had enough so we went.  Well, the sodium is what killed me!  I knew it was going to be bad when my stomac started gurgling so bad last night!  I weighed myself before bed and it was 253.8!  I weighed again this morning and it was 253.2!  I know it's the sodium, and it'll go away pretty quick but ugh!  Even with the best choice I could do, it caused a setback.  Today is a C25K day (1st day of week 3) so hopefully by tomorrow I'll be back down.  Will have to push water today.  

I found a 5K in April that I want to do.  I need to check with my manager, though, because the 5K is on the weekend when he will be in NYC, so that may be when we all try to meet there.  But if not, I really want to so this 5K.  Jen said she'd do it with me, and Tracy said she'd check with Davy about traveling up for it.  So we'll see.  This one allows walking and running, so I can run as much of it as I can (with the goal being the whole thing) and then walk if I need to.  If I can't do this one, there is another one in May.

Just Some Thoughts

I'm wondering if my weight loss is becoming more noticeable.  I can't really tell but I do feel lighter, and I think I can see a slight difference.  When we went to Corning this weekend, my sister-in-law said I was looking good, and I hadn't really told her that I was dieting.  Though I had talked to her about her diet last time we saw them, so maybe she was more closely looking.  I don't really feel any difference in how my clothes fit yet.  That's the part that I'm really wanting to see!  I know I'll get there, just have to keep this up!  

I can feel myself starting to get complacent...not necessarily wanting to give up, but I have caught myself a few times thinking about eating food I shouldn't, or not exercising.  Or just stopping everything altogether.  I need to re-visualize my goals and how I want to look.  I'm so close to being under 250, and so close to a 20 pound loss!  I keep thinking about how much better I could look by April when I go to NYC to meet my manager, co-worker, and CEO.  I keep thinking about how much weight I could lose by August when we go to the beach!  I keep thinking, maybe I can run a 5K this spring.  I really need to keep at this!  I need to do this to prove to myself that I can!

When I weighed this morning, I was 251.2...down another .4 from yesterday.  I found myself feeling disappointed, and had to actually tell myself that it was OK that I'm not pounds down from the day before!  It's impractical and not necessary.  Yes, I want to reach that 249.8 goal, but I will get there in the right timing.  And that's only 1.4 pounds away from today's weight!  I CAN do this!

I know I should avoid timeline goals, but I'm going to make 2 of them anyway.

I want to be 235 by the time I go to NYC in 8 weeks.

I want to be as close to 200 as possible by the time we go to the beach...24 weeks.  I'll say no more than 210.  That means in 24 weeks, I want to lose another 41 pounds minimum.  Not unreasonable but definitely means I need to keep up what I'm doing.

Go Me!!

Today was my official weigh-in day.  251.6!!  I am so close to being under 250, and if my weight loss pattern keeps up, I should be there next week!  I haven't been below 250 in probably 4-5 years!  I've lost 16.4 pounds since January 1!

I finished week 2 of the C25K program today.  Friday starts week 3, where I walk for 90 seconds, run for 90 seconds, walk for 3 minutes, run for 3 minutes, and repeat that for 20 minutes!  It's gonna be brutal, but I just need to visualize the pounds melting away and my body getting thinner and stronger.  I need to keep my motivators in the forefront of my mind.

Success!!

I weighed myself this morning after traveling this weekend.  That meant 2 fast food meals plus some party food at the baby shower.  I tried really hard to make good choices but wasn't sure where I'd end up.  So I weighed this morning...252.6!  Only up .2 from my last weight check, and still down 2 pounds from last weigh-in!  Tomorrow is my official weigh-in so hoping to be down a little more.  Just so anxious to get below 250!!  I'm so close!

Tomorrow is a C25K day, the last day of week 2.  The first day of week 2 felt really hard, but the last one I did wasn't as bad.  

Lily had her 2-month appointment today, including shots.  They are also putting her on Zantac for the reflux.  She's growing well, 90th percentile for weight, 86th for height.  

First Huge Challenge

Friday when I weighed myself, I was 252.4!  We then traveled to Corning.  We stopped at McDonalds on the way, and I got the 6-piece nuggets, small fry, and a coke.  It was all within my calorie budget.  Then Saturday I had oatmeal for breakfast, then headed down to Mary's baby shower.  I packed hummus and veggies, but ended up eating 2 chicken wings, 2 ham and cheese slices, some shrimp, fruit (1 piece dipped in chocolate), and salad.  I declined the cake.  On our way home, though, we stopped at McDonalds again, and I ordered a salad with crispy chicken, and a white chocolate mocha.  I should have gotten grilled chicken and skipped the mocha.  I ended up 7 calories below my daily target.  Today I'm doing better...had fruit/yogurt parfait for breakfast, and for lunch I'll have a coupe hard boiled eggs and veggies/hummus.  For dinner, Kathy is making a beef roast, and I bought salad stuff to go with it.  She's making brownies for dessert though, and that's going to be tough!  But I've got to stay strong.  Then tomorrow we're heading back home which probably means more fast food....traveling is so hard!  But if Louie's driving tomorrow, I can get a salad.  Plus tomorrow is a C25K day, so I'll have some extra calories.

I would love to go home and weigh myself Tuesday morning and be down more, or even to maintain my current loss this week.  I haven't stepped on Kathy's scale - I'm afraid to!

Ups and Downs

I'll do the ups first.  I weighed myself again this morning, and I was 253.6!  I haven't weighed this little in a very long time!!  I'm excited, but I'm also very nervous for this weekend.  We're traveling to Corning, then I'm going to Mary's baby shower on Saturday, and there's going to be a lot of unhealthy food there.  I'm thinking about buying some hummus and veggies and bringing my own stuff.  Also for while we're at Louie's parents'.  At least that way I'll have a bit more control over what I eat.  I can bring some oatmeal for breakfasts, and the hummus/veggies for lunch, and then eat smaller portions of whatever for dinner.  And really it's only Saturday and half of Sunday that I need to worry about.  

So that was the ups.  Now for the downs. Louie sent me an article stating that IBM has started massive layoffs.  It's hit India and Europe today, expected to hit the US on either the 19th or 26th.  I am terrified this time!  Louie has gotten lucky through so many layoffs, and it's kind of feeling like its unlikely he'll get lucky again.  I hope to God he does because of our insurance for Lily's formula, and the possibility of moving....that thought makes me physically sick!  I love this area, love the daycare and the people we've met, our house....the fact that Davy and Tracy are moving here this summer...I would be so upset to have to leave!  And worrying about finding a new job, and how our daily dynamic would change....I hate to even think about all of that!  But we do need to start figuring out a plan B, even if Louie does survive these layoffs because the writing is on the wall...it's a matter of time.  Louie said there's other jobs in this area, but I also know he wants to find something he'll enjoy, and that's the tougher part.  

Between the whole formula ordeal with Lily, and Colby being sick, and now this...I feel like I am completely stressed out and anxious!!

Yay!!!

I weighed in this morning...254.4!!  I am so damn excited since I was so scared to start exercising and how that would affect my weight.  I am pumped!  Less than 5 pounds to go before my first big goal!  13.6 pounds gone total between January 1 and now!  I am very proud of that.

Today is my last day of week 1 in the C25K program.  I'm going to kick it's butt!

Feeling Empowered!

I completed Day 2 of the C25K yesterday, and figured I'd be up on the scale again this morning, but I wasn't!  I was down to 255.6!  I weighed myself just now before bed and that said 256.4, which means tomorrow should be a good number!  I hope so, since it's my weigh-in day!

I've noticed that since being really good with my eating, I feel so much better...I have more energy, I feel more alert, and I just feel like my body is running more efficiently!  I'm surprising myself with the C25K program because I almost feel like it doesn't have the difficulty level that I could do right now.  Though that's about to change starting week 2.  I was thinking at first about skipping ahead, but have decided against it.  I want to do the program as designed, and don't want to risk injury or pushing too hard and it not being fun anymore.

Tonight I made beef roll-ups.  I got thin-sliced round steak, sprinkled them with Montreal-style seasoning, laid provolone and fresh spinach leaves on top, then rolled them up and stuck them with a toothpick.  I sprinkled the outside of the rolls with more of the seasoning, then baked them for 11 minutes.  They came out awesome!  I made green beans drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with grated lemon peel, too.  They were ok.  

I'm feeling like this is becoming easier and actually feels doable for me!  I'm fairly certain I'll be around 255 for my weigh-in tomorrow, maybe less.  And I'm starting to think that I could actually reach my first goal (under 250) by end of this month maybe!  Though I have to reign myself back in because I am trying to focus less on the number on the scale.  But it is exciting to feel so hopeful!

Can I have a mulligan for today?!

I need a do-over for today!  Not off to a good start at all!  Frustrating night, running late this morning, late to work, then had a rough call with a new consulting client who's already asking me advice on which of our competitors to leave us for.  There's been a confirmed case of fifth's disease in the infant classrooms too, so now I'm worried that Lily will get it...ugh!!  I wish I could just go back to bed and start the day over!

We had steak and shrimp fajitas last night...also good but I could have done them better.  Oh well, I'll know what to do differently next time.  I'm thinking of doing oven fried chicken tonight, though I should do the calzones tonight since I'll have the calories for it.  Maybe Wednesday.

I was 256.8 this morning.  Still higher than Wednesday, but lower than Saturday.  Today is another C25K day, though.  Just gotta focus less on the scale and more on what I'm doing for my body.

Louie has definitely been more supportive  of my weight loss efforts this time, and maybe it's because I'm not really doing any drastic "plan" or anything - just trying to eat better.  He doesn't really want to do the C25K program with me, but said he'd do his boot camp app while I do this one.  Plus we talked about trying to exercise while Colby's around.  We want him to see us do it, so he realizes it's a normal, healthy, and important thing to do.  Right now, he sees us come home from picking him up, and me walking out from work, and he and Louie play a video game, while I make dinner.  Then we watch TV while we eat, play games after, and then go up to bed.  Not a lot of activity.  And even if Louie and I exercise during lunch, he doesn't see us do it.  So we're going to try to exercise in the evenings with him.  Louie brought out Wii Fit, so he and Colby have been playing that. 

I think I need to shift my focus from the scale to just getting in the exercise and eating better.  Which sucks because I'm in this Biggest Loser competition and there's $50 on the line!  ;)  But I think the weight will catch up if I just try to get in activity and continue eating better.  I've been doing REALLY well with eating for over a month now - 41 days today to be exact.  I'm getting at least 3 veggie servings a day and 1 fruit, but this week, I'm bumping that up.  I got fruit, yogurt, and granola, so I'm having fruit and yogurt parfaits some mornings.  I also got some hummus and raw veggies to have with or for my lunches.  I figured I needed to add some variety because I was starting to eat the same things day after day.  I don't want to get sick of what I'm eating and then get bored with being good.

Hopefully my day gets better as it goes along!

I knew it!

I knew it would happen.  Started the C25K yesterday, and sure enough, up .8 pounds from Wednesday's weigh-in! I'm trying not to panic - this is normal, and exercise is a good thing , this is only temporary...but damn it is so hard to see that gain!  It sucks!!  My mind starts whirling with thoughts like "Maybe this is not the right time to start.." or "I can wait til I've lost 30 more pounds...."

I'm trying to think what I want people to see.  People will not see the number on the scale.  They will see my body and face, they'll see whether or not I get out of breathe or red-faced.  So the exercise means more than that number.  

I'm just so programmed to care about the damn number!!

Couch to 5K

I started the C25K program tonight.  It was a little boring and repetitive, but it wasn't as exhausting or difficult as I thought it would be.  I'm going to try to do it Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  I'm trying not to get too concerned about potential gains in the scale....but it's hard not to.  Even right now I'm thinking about weighing myself, and how I'm going to react if the number is higher than it usually is this time of day, etc.

I had a long talk with Louie at lunch today (KFC/Taco Bell, but I made decent choices, I think).  I told him all about my goals and what I wanted to do, my philosophy about wanting to do this my way and ease into things, my fear of the number on the scale, etc.  I think he gets it and will be supportive and encouraging.  I still worry that he's going to tell me I'm doing things wrong or that this is how I should do it instead...but I told him that I need to do this my way for now and start slow.

On an unrelated note, I am feeling much more positive about Lily!  We've been using gripe water at night and it's made a huge difference with her gas and fussiness!  She's a very happy baby most of the time now, and she's sleeping pretty well.  And I'm starting to feel that strong love for her.  She's in daycare now and I miss her during the day.  Having less stress around her has been a huge help!

Week 5 Official Weigh-in

Well, after being down to 256.2 late last week, then going up to 257.6 earlier this week, I officially weighed in at 256.6 this morning.  Not bad, I'll take it!  That's still 11.4 pounds down, and I plan to keep going.  

I had planned to start the C25K program this afternoon, but both Colby and Lily are home from daycare today due to the snow storm.  I'm not sure if I'll get a chance to do it at lunch, but would still like to try to start today.  I'll have to see how things go.  It's only 30 minutes so maybe if I can't do it at lunch, maybe I can do it after work quickly.

I would like to be below 255 for my next weigh-in!  Keeping my fingers crossed!  

I Think I've Found a Pattern

So this morning I weighed myself and I was 256.8 - heading back down again.  I looked over my weight checks for the last 2 weeks and I've noticed a pattern.  After I weigh-in on Wednesday, I lose more weight from Thursday through Saturday, then climb back up a little bit Sunday and Monday, then drop back down Tuesday and Wesnesday.  We'll see of that holds true when I weigh-in again tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'm going to start the C25K program.  I'm actually getting more and more excited about it.  I think it will be good for me and a good achievable goal that I can feel proud of.  Then I'll consider training for the 10K.  I need to change my mindset from being so scale-focused to being health-focused.  Exercise is beneficial no matter what the number says on the scale.

I've also been using a pedometer app on my iPhone to see how many steps I get in a day.  I know the ultimate goal is 10,000, which is something like 5 miles (or pretty close), but I set my goal at 6,000.  Yesterday I had 1,712.  Not even close.  It's so hard when I work a desk job!  I try to get up and move around often, but there's only so much I can do around the house.  I guess that's another goal I can work towards, and the C25K training should help with that too.  

Contemplating Couch 2 5K

I've been doing fairly well with my eating now, so I'm starting to consider adding in some exercise. It scares me to do it, because I know I'm apt to see a gain in the beginning. Plus I've kind of figured out how many calories I need to eat to lose, but now adding exercise into the mix may throw that off. But on the other hand, I feel like exercise would be so good for me, it would help slim me down faster (even if it doesn't help the number on the scale).

 I'm considering starting the Couch 2 5K program. I downloaded the app on my iPhone, and it seems like it would be pretty easy to work into. Of course Louie wants to do the Boot Camp circuit training again, which I'd like to do again, too....but that does a lot of weights, and I'm thinking maybe just cardio wouldn't affect the number on the scale quite so much. I can ease into weights later on when I feel a bit more comfortable with the weight I've lost. But I think the C25K would be a good challenge, with a set timeframe, and maybe an end goal of actually RUNNING a 5K!

 I am struggling with this decision, though. I can't express how terrified I am of the scale going up, even if I know what I'm doing is good for me and my body. But then again, I use the example of The Biggest Loser - those contestants watch what they eat and exercise their ASSES off, and pull in negative numbers all the time. So, maybe I can do it too. Maybe it won't affect the scale quite as much as I'm thinking. If I do start it, I'll probably wait until after my weigh-in on Wednesday. That way, if there is an initial gain, maybe it will be gone by the next weigh-in.

Gonna Be A Rough Day...

Frustrating start to the morning.  A few days ago, I was 256.2, and this morning I was 257.2!  I know it's probably normal fluctuation but still pisses me off.  My weigh in is on Wednesday, so hopefully I can get back down, and maybe beyond! We did have Philly cheesesteaks for dinner last night but I carefully budgeted and went easy on the carbs.  Part of me wonders if I'm getting too many calories. I'm eating around 1400 per day right now.  Maybe I need to drop it down to 1200.  I guess I'll see.  I hate to drop it right now because I'd rather still have that option for when the weight loss tapers off later on.  I keep telling myself that I need to be patient and dedicated.

Today is also rough because it's Lily's first day at daycare.  I did ok dropping her off but started to tear up on the way home.  I was thinking about how empty the house was going to feel without her there.  I'm ok again now.  They sent pictures of her already, and she's smiling big in one of them.  It's going to take some getting used to!

A Big Achievement!

In addition to the 11.8 pounds that I'm down in 1 month, I had another major success today!

We took my 2-year old son to see Sesame Street Live tonight.  The show started at 5:30, so we had to leave at 4:45, which meant we didn't have time to eat dinner before we left.  We didn't get out of there til 7:00, so Louie suggested we stop at McDonalds after.  I immediately took out my phone and brought up My Fitness Pal.  I planned to have a 6-piece chicken nugget and small fries.  When I told Louie, he suggested that we get the 10 piece nugget meal and split it.  So that's what we did!  I'm still a little hungry but not starving, and it's bed time anyway.  But just the principal that I ate McDonalds and still kept within my calorie goal...that is pretty exciting!

I really like My Fitness Pal.  I can keep track of how many calories I'm eating, how many I'm using for exercise, general nutrition, what I do for exercise, water consumption, notes..and it's not very time consuming.  Plus I can scan the bar codes of foods and it will bring it up with the nutrition info.  If I want to add it to a meal, I can do that easily.  I've rarely had a food that the bar code couldn't find!

Down Down Down!

I checked in on the scale this morning, and it said 257.8!  So 10.2 pounds gone now!  8 more to get to my next mini-goal!  Tomorrow marks the 1 month mark.  I'm pretty happy with my 10 pound loss!   I can't wait til I get to the point where I can try on my old jeans and have them fit again!  Or my old shirts!  I'm hoping they'll fit by summer so I won't have to buy more clothes.

I have 3 dresses that are hanging in my closet.  I think they are all size 16.  One is black, one is red, and one is a peach flowery dress.  I would love to be able to fit into those again!  I wore the black and red ones on my honeymoon, and they were slightly tight then. I weighed 230 at that time.

I have noticed that I'm not as hungry anymore with eating the smaller portions.  Like last night, I made my 3-cheese baked Mac n cheese.  Normally I would have 1/4 of the casserole dish.  Last night I had not even 1/8 of it, then had a huge salad.  And I was satisfied, not still hungry.

This is working for me!  And I just need to remember that when temptation sets in.

Feeling Relieved!

Today was a good day all around.  First off, when I weighed this morning, I was 258.4, so heading back down!  That made me happy!  I immediately stated calculating what would happen if I dropped .4 pounds a day, and that would equal 2.8 pounds a week, and in 12 weeks that would put me at 229.6.....

I have to stop that!  While 2.8 pounds a week isn't unreasonable, it's also unlikely to be that consistent.  I have to realize that any downward movement is good whether it's 2 pounds or .2 pounds!  And I have to realize that it's going to take me a while to get to where I want to be.  Patience has never been my strong suit.

The other good thing that happened was that we saw a new pediatrician today for Lily, and I am really hopeful that we can get her in a happier space!  This doctor thinks she has gastritis and colitis from the formula changes and the crap we were being told to give her (sugar water, prune juice, brown sugar, etc).  He said that with her intestines so inflamed, any gas bubble is going to hurt. He thinks the gastritis is also making the reflux worse.  He said if she's on the same formula for 2 weeks, we should see an improvement.  She's been on Nutramigen for 8 days now, so he wants to see her again on Wednesday to make sure things are improving.  If not, they'll put her on Zantac.  

I had a really nice email back from my brother, offering his support on my weight loss journey.  He even offered to lend me a good high quality blender if I wanted to try green smoothies.  He was very non-judgemental, which I appreciated.

So overall an excellent day!  Now if I can just get my 2 year old to go to sleep!!

Change It Up, or Stick It Out?

Today was my official weigh-in day for the Biggest Loser contest I'm in.  After being 258.2 earlier this week, then 259.8 later in the week, I landed at 259 even this morning.  Still down 1.6 pounds from last week, but I have to admit I was really hoping I would be somewhere in 258.  I did well with my eating yesterday, too!  Down is down, though, so trying to keep my head up.  And I've lost 9 pounds in 4 weeks, so that's a good average.

Someone on one of my pregnancy boards was saying that not eating enough calories makes hour body hold into everything it does get. And thank you, ma'am, now I'm paranoid that I'm not eating enough!  I'm wondering if I should try varying it a bit - maybe eat a little bit more and see if it gets the scale to move.  On the other hand, the scale IS moving, just not as quickly as I'd like...and I'm not sure that's a good reason to change things up right now.  Maybe I need to just keep doing what I'm doing for a bit longer and see what happens.  

I wish that losing weight was easier and more standard for everyone!  Every body varies so much, and it is really difficult to figure out what works for me...it may take time but I feel like that time is wasted if something doesn't work.  

I think part of the reason I feel that time is wasted is because I want to see results immediately!  I have time frame goals, and I want to reach them or get close in those timeframes.  Maybe that's not a healthy way to look at it.  I keep thinking of the saying, "You didn't gain it all overnight, so you won't lose it all overnight."  I hate that saying!  But there may be some truth to it.  As with everything, maybe I need to spend some time trying various things to see what works for me.  

I hate that idea!

Being a Weight Creeper

My weight is slowly creeping back up, and I am getting worried.  Earlier this week, I was 258.2.  This morning I was back up to 259.4.  I know exactly what's causing it though.  I've been eating more carbs at dinner.  Night before last, we went out to dinner and I had a dressing-soaked Caesar salad and a giant turkey sandwich, then last night made pizza wheels.  I do so much better when I eat meat and veggies for dinner and keep my carbs earlier in the day.

What is exciting for me, though, is that I am able to tell exactly what caused it and I know how to fix it, and have already made a plan to fix it!  I've got my dinner tonight all planned out, and I'm well within my calorie budget! I'm going to just pull myself back on track, and this is just a tiny blip in my journey.  And, thinking positive, I'm still down 1.2 pounds from last week's weigh in, and my official weigh in is tomorrow...so I have time to get some more weight off!

I was thinking this morning about things that can keep me motivated, and I have another one to add to my previous list.  We want to get Colby swim lessons, but we have to go in the pool with him.  I'm too embarrassed to be seen in a swimsuit right now, but maybe in 6 months, when we can start Lily on lessons....maybe I can lose 40+ pounds by June/July.

I finally sent an email to my brother and sister-in-law asking for help and support. I hit the send button before I could second guess myself too much!

Stress and Guilt

I am a stress and guilt eater.  When I am under a lot of pressure or very stressed out, I want comfort food, and my willpower (the little bit that I have) dissolves into a nice greasy pizza or pile of French fries.  I need to find new ways to outlet my stress.

This post is going to be less weight loss related, but I think having this as an outlet will hopefully help me stay on track with my weight loss efforts as well.

I have been under a lot of stress lately.  Everyone with a newborn baby is.  Lily is 6 weeks old, and it's been a rough 6 weeks!  

First off, with her being born so close to Christmas, we had a lot of company from the start.  And not unwanted company - we made the plans and invited everyone - but I think we bit off more than we could chew, or should have chewed.  

My mother-in-law was here helping for 10 days when Lily was first born.  My father-in-law came for the last day, and they both left on the 23rd.  Toward the end of that, my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew also came to visit for a day.  We had 3 days to ourselves, including Christmas.  Then Louie's brother, sister-in-law, and their 3 kids came.  The kids are ages 9, 7, and 5.  I love those kids to death, but it was very high energy and loud!  The 7 year old has Down Syndrome, so he requires a lot of attention and tending to.  He kept walking in on me pumping, or showering.  They were planning to leave Sunday.  Louie's other brother, sister-in-law, and their baby daughter, as well as my mother-in-law came on Sunday.  We had a freak snow storm, so no one could leave!  We ended up with everyone here for the night.  They all left Monday, then we traveled to Vermont to visit my family on Tuesday, came back Friday.  My sister and brother-in-law came Friday and left Saturday.  So for 3 solid weeks, we either had company, or were traveling!  

During that next week, we took Lily to her 1-month check up and the pediatrician determined that she was intolerant to milk-based formulas.  The pediatrician told us to try soy formula, so we switched.

That weekend, we traveled again to Corning to visit Louie's family for all the January birthdays.  While we were there, Lily got very constipated, to the point where we had to use a suppository to help her get relief.  Apparently soy formula is known to cause constipation, but the pediatrician never told us this!  When we got home, we called the pediatrician to find out what to do.  They told us to give her 4 oz of water with 1 tsp of sugar mixed in once per day.  We did that for 3 days and it didn't help.

We called again, and they told us to do 1 oz of prune juice and 1 oz of water, up to 4 oz a day.  All that did was make her throw up the prune juice.  Then we were told to mix 1 tsp of brown sugar into her formula once per day.  That seemed to help at first but not a lot, and we found blood in her stools!  So then they switched us to the expensive formula, Nutramigen.  The first night was awful - she was screaming like she was in pain and having projectile spit-up!  But she did poop, and it was soft!  The next day, she was like a new baby - happy, smiling, content...but still a fountain of spit-up!  And it's been that way since.

She has been waking up about every 3 hours in the night, and that hasn't changed.  Last night was one of the worst nights, between her and Colby, and I actually started to wonder today if I was feeling post-partum depression 6 weeks after birth!

I remember when Colby was born, not feeling that instant love.  I felt horribly guity and scared, thinking what kind of awful mother am I, and what if I never feel that?!  I read that it can be completely normal, and of course after a few weeks, I suddenly realized I was crazy about him.

I had that same feeling when Lily was born...no instant bond or love.  I didn't worry so much this time, knowing it would come.  But here we are, 6 weeks later.  I love her, but it's not that strong intense love that I had for Colby!  Rationally, I know that it will come, and it's likely due to the rough start and stress we've had with her.  But a part of me is scared that it's not going to come! And I feel awful admitting out loud that I don't love her as much as I do Colby!  Absolutely awful!  I know it'll get easier, and I know that I will love her that much, but I want it to come now to ease my anxiety!

I'm just so tired, and frustrated at the ordeal we've been through.  I'm ready for it to end!

Planning for the week

Being sick yesterday, I didn't eat the best.  I had my usual breakfast - oatmeal and coffee - but then didn't eat lunch.  For dinner, we ordered in.  I tried to make the best decision I could, so I ordered a turkey/lettuce/cheese wrap.  I was expecting something huge and packed with meat and cheese, but was pleasantly surprised that it was small and reasonable!  Of course, we also ordered cheese fries, but I only had a few of those.  It was the first day in 3 weeks that I did not have a salad all day.

I weighed myself this morning - 258.2!  I would love to be below 257 by my official weigh in on Thursday!  And I only have 9 pounds to go to reach my first goal of being under 250!

So now I'm trying to plan meals for this week, trying to think of some new things to eat.  That wrap tastes good but I'm not sure if it would be too many calories. I'll have to figure out what kind of wrap to get.  

And So It Begins...

Last night, I had my 6-week post partum check-up.  Everything went well, but I didn't get home til almost 7:00.  My original plan for dinner was homemade chicken tenders, a vegetable, and salad. But with it being so late, we ended up doing frozen chicken fries and French fries.  Even though I counted the calories for it, I knew it wasn't the best choice.  I did have my salad with it, though.

Anyway, this morning I stepped on the scale...260.4.  Up .4 pounds from yesterday.  Now I know this doesn't sound like much, but it's still an increase on the scale!  I'm telling myself that I know what did it, I can correct it, it's not that much, I'll probably be back down tomorrow, weight fluctuates day to day...all the things that I know to be true.  But I am gripped with fear that the scale is going to keep climbing up despite my efforts!  And that has me feeling powerless and anxious!

Motivation

Confession time: I am a daily weigher.  I know I should only weigh myself once a week, but I can't help myself from checking progress on the scale!  

So this morning I did my usual check, and it said 259.8!!!  The 250's!!!   I was in shock and disbelief so I weighed myself again...260 on the nose.  Damnit!  So I weighed myself again and said I'd take whatever that number was...260.  ::sigh::   But at least I saw it flicker into the 250's so I know I'm close, and that is motivating!

I was trying to think of things that will help keep me motivated - successes, milestones, goals, events coming up that I want to lose weight for.

1.  My main motivation is my kids!  I want to be a good role model for them so that they never have to face what I am going through.  I also don't want them to ever feel embarrassed by me or disappointed in me.

2.  I want to be able to walk into a non-plus size store and shop off the rack!  

3.  My manager from the UK is coming to NY in April.  I've never met him, and I'm embarrassed to meet him how I look right now!  I'd like to be at least 30 pounds lighter by then.  That's 12 weeks away, so about 2 1/2 pounds a week I would need to lose.

4.  I want to be able to be more active without feeling awful!  When it was warmer and we'd take my son outside to play baseball, I was always the one taking the pictures instead of running and having fun with him.  I want that to change.

5.  I want to stop being embarrassed to show pictures of me!

6.  I want to avoid the health problems that run in my family - diabetes, cancer, fibromyalgia, etc.

7.  I want to feel good about myself so I can feel more confident with my husband.  I know he's seen me at my heaviest and loves me and finds me attractive, but I think feeling better about myself with help me feel more attractive to him.  

8.  I want to be able to have fun with my kids!  As I am right now, I will most likely not go on a ride at an amusement park with my kids.  I'd be afraid I wouldn't fit in the seat, so I won't even try, hoping to avoid that embarrassment!  Again, I'm always on the sidelines or behind the camera.

I'm trying to break down my weight loss into smaller goals.  

Goal #1:  Get below 250

Goal #2:  Get below 225

Goal #3:  Get below 200

Goal #4:  Get below 180

Goal #5:  Get below 170

Goal #6:  Get below 160

Ultimate Goal:  150-155

I started at 268, and today I was 260.  So 8 pounds of my 113 pound goal - I've lost 7% of what I want to lose!

Dealing with Fear and Doubt

I am taking part in a Biggest Loser type competition in my Battie group, and today was the official weigh in day.  I was 260.6 this morning!  Down 7.4 pounds from my starting weight!  I am so excited and motivated to get into the 250's!  I haven't been in the 250's since February of last year!  

As motivated as I am right now, I still have that thought of "How long will I keep this up?  What will derail me and when?" My track record for losing weight or maintaining diet and exercise has been pretty weak.  So my brain automatically goes to "You won't last."  

Yet while I have that fear of giving up, I also have a fear of asking for help.  I've written an email to my brother and sister-in-law, who run www.incrediblesmoothies.com and are diet and fitness gurus.  But I can't bring myself to send it.  I'm embarrassed to ask for help - embarrassed that I need to ask for help.  I'm thinking that they'll judge me for this, that they'll think (like I do) that this is another futile attempt and doubt that I can do it, or maybe that they'll try too hard to help - try to tell me what I should/should not eat, try to force me into green smoothies, or make me try to eat in a way that I can't handle or maintain.  And that if I don't eat that way, they'll say I'm sabotaging myself.  

So the email is sitting in my drafts, and I can't hit Send.  

I've told my mom about it. But I guess I did that because that feels safer.  My parents are both very overweight as well, and have about the same level of willpower.  In other words, they have also tired and failed many times at losing weight.  My mom has a lot of health problems and uses that as an excuse for not exercising.  My dad just has no willpower and caves when it comes to food.  He has diabetes.  Both of their health problems could have been either prevented or would be drastically improved with diet and exercise!  And I know that.  I don't want to end up like that.  And yet I know I'm the same way right now.  I feel like telling them about my goals is safer because they've tried and failed too...and they are more accepting of failing than my brother and sister in law.  My parents would judge me less, or not think "Yep, failed again!"

I need some success to keep pushing forward and keep me motivated, but then  I need to keep pushing forward to get that success.  And as long as things are moving, it's easier, but what happens when I plateau, or have a small gain?