Down Down Down!

I checked in on the scale this morning, and it said 257.8!  So 10.2 pounds gone now!  8 more to get to my next mini-goal!  Tomorrow marks the 1 month mark.  I'm pretty happy with my 10 pound loss!   I can't wait til I get to the point where I can try on my old jeans and have them fit again!  Or my old shirts!  I'm hoping they'll fit by summer so I won't have to buy more clothes.

I have 3 dresses that are hanging in my closet.  I think they are all size 16.  One is black, one is red, and one is a peach flowery dress.  I would love to be able to fit into those again!  I wore the black and red ones on my honeymoon, and they were slightly tight then. I weighed 230 at that time.

I have noticed that I'm not as hungry anymore with eating the smaller portions.  Like last night, I made my 3-cheese baked Mac n cheese.  Normally I would have 1/4 of the casserole dish.  Last night I had not even 1/8 of it, then had a huge salad.  And I was satisfied, not still hungry.

This is working for me!  And I just need to remember that when temptation sets in.

Feeling Relieved!

Today was a good day all around.  First off, when I weighed this morning, I was 258.4, so heading back down!  That made me happy!  I immediately stated calculating what would happen if I dropped .4 pounds a day, and that would equal 2.8 pounds a week, and in 12 weeks that would put me at 229.6.....

I have to stop that!  While 2.8 pounds a week isn't unreasonable, it's also unlikely to be that consistent.  I have to realize that any downward movement is good whether it's 2 pounds or .2 pounds!  And I have to realize that it's going to take me a while to get to where I want to be.  Patience has never been my strong suit.

The other good thing that happened was that we saw a new pediatrician today for Lily, and I am really hopeful that we can get her in a happier space!  This doctor thinks she has gastritis and colitis from the formula changes and the crap we were being told to give her (sugar water, prune juice, brown sugar, etc).  He said that with her intestines so inflamed, any gas bubble is going to hurt. He thinks the gastritis is also making the reflux worse.  He said if she's on the same formula for 2 weeks, we should see an improvement.  She's been on Nutramigen for 8 days now, so he wants to see her again on Wednesday to make sure things are improving.  If not, they'll put her on Zantac.  

I had a really nice email back from my brother, offering his support on my weight loss journey.  He even offered to lend me a good high quality blender if I wanted to try green smoothies.  He was very non-judgemental, which I appreciated.

So overall an excellent day!  Now if I can just get my 2 year old to go to sleep!!

Change It Up, or Stick It Out?

Today was my official weigh-in day for the Biggest Loser contest I'm in.  After being 258.2 earlier this week, then 259.8 later in the week, I landed at 259 even this morning.  Still down 1.6 pounds from last week, but I have to admit I was really hoping I would be somewhere in 258.  I did well with my eating yesterday, too!  Down is down, though, so trying to keep my head up.  And I've lost 9 pounds in 4 weeks, so that's a good average.

Someone on one of my pregnancy boards was saying that not eating enough calories makes hour body hold into everything it does get. And thank you, ma'am, now I'm paranoid that I'm not eating enough!  I'm wondering if I should try varying it a bit - maybe eat a little bit more and see if it gets the scale to move.  On the other hand, the scale IS moving, just not as quickly as I'd like...and I'm not sure that's a good reason to change things up right now.  Maybe I need to just keep doing what I'm doing for a bit longer and see what happens.  

I wish that losing weight was easier and more standard for everyone!  Every body varies so much, and it is really difficult to figure out what works for me...it may take time but I feel like that time is wasted if something doesn't work.  

I think part of the reason I feel that time is wasted is because I want to see results immediately!  I have time frame goals, and I want to reach them or get close in those timeframes.  Maybe that's not a healthy way to look at it.  I keep thinking of the saying, "You didn't gain it all overnight, so you won't lose it all overnight."  I hate that saying!  But there may be some truth to it.  As with everything, maybe I need to spend some time trying various things to see what works for me.  

I hate that idea!

Being a Weight Creeper

My weight is slowly creeping back up, and I am getting worried.  Earlier this week, I was 258.2.  This morning I was back up to 259.4.  I know exactly what's causing it though.  I've been eating more carbs at dinner.  Night before last, we went out to dinner and I had a dressing-soaked Caesar salad and a giant turkey sandwich, then last night made pizza wheels.  I do so much better when I eat meat and veggies for dinner and keep my carbs earlier in the day.

What is exciting for me, though, is that I am able to tell exactly what caused it and I know how to fix it, and have already made a plan to fix it!  I've got my dinner tonight all planned out, and I'm well within my calorie budget! I'm going to just pull myself back on track, and this is just a tiny blip in my journey.  And, thinking positive, I'm still down 1.2 pounds from last week's weigh in, and my official weigh in is tomorrow...so I have time to get some more weight off!

I was thinking this morning about things that can keep me motivated, and I have another one to add to my previous list.  We want to get Colby swim lessons, but we have to go in the pool with him.  I'm too embarrassed to be seen in a swimsuit right now, but maybe in 6 months, when we can start Lily on lessons....maybe I can lose 40+ pounds by June/July.

I finally sent an email to my brother and sister-in-law asking for help and support. I hit the send button before I could second guess myself too much!

Stress and Guilt

I am a stress and guilt eater.  When I am under a lot of pressure or very stressed out, I want comfort food, and my willpower (the little bit that I have) dissolves into a nice greasy pizza or pile of French fries.  I need to find new ways to outlet my stress.

This post is going to be less weight loss related, but I think having this as an outlet will hopefully help me stay on track with my weight loss efforts as well.

I have been under a lot of stress lately.  Everyone with a newborn baby is.  Lily is 6 weeks old, and it's been a rough 6 weeks!  

First off, with her being born so close to Christmas, we had a lot of company from the start.  And not unwanted company - we made the plans and invited everyone - but I think we bit off more than we could chew, or should have chewed.  

My mother-in-law was here helping for 10 days when Lily was first born.  My father-in-law came for the last day, and they both left on the 23rd.  Toward the end of that, my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew also came to visit for a day.  We had 3 days to ourselves, including Christmas.  Then Louie's brother, sister-in-law, and their 3 kids came.  The kids are ages 9, 7, and 5.  I love those kids to death, but it was very high energy and loud!  The 7 year old has Down Syndrome, so he requires a lot of attention and tending to.  He kept walking in on me pumping, or showering.  They were planning to leave Sunday.  Louie's other brother, sister-in-law, and their baby daughter, as well as my mother-in-law came on Sunday.  We had a freak snow storm, so no one could leave!  We ended up with everyone here for the night.  They all left Monday, then we traveled to Vermont to visit my family on Tuesday, came back Friday.  My sister and brother-in-law came Friday and left Saturday.  So for 3 solid weeks, we either had company, or were traveling!  

During that next week, we took Lily to her 1-month check up and the pediatrician determined that she was intolerant to milk-based formulas.  The pediatrician told us to try soy formula, so we switched.

That weekend, we traveled again to Corning to visit Louie's family for all the January birthdays.  While we were there, Lily got very constipated, to the point where we had to use a suppository to help her get relief.  Apparently soy formula is known to cause constipation, but the pediatrician never told us this!  When we got home, we called the pediatrician to find out what to do.  They told us to give her 4 oz of water with 1 tsp of sugar mixed in once per day.  We did that for 3 days and it didn't help.

We called again, and they told us to do 1 oz of prune juice and 1 oz of water, up to 4 oz a day.  All that did was make her throw up the prune juice.  Then we were told to mix 1 tsp of brown sugar into her formula once per day.  That seemed to help at first but not a lot, and we found blood in her stools!  So then they switched us to the expensive formula, Nutramigen.  The first night was awful - she was screaming like she was in pain and having projectile spit-up!  But she did poop, and it was soft!  The next day, she was like a new baby - happy, smiling, content...but still a fountain of spit-up!  And it's been that way since.

She has been waking up about every 3 hours in the night, and that hasn't changed.  Last night was one of the worst nights, between her and Colby, and I actually started to wonder today if I was feeling post-partum depression 6 weeks after birth!

I remember when Colby was born, not feeling that instant love.  I felt horribly guity and scared, thinking what kind of awful mother am I, and what if I never feel that?!  I read that it can be completely normal, and of course after a few weeks, I suddenly realized I was crazy about him.

I had that same feeling when Lily was born...no instant bond or love.  I didn't worry so much this time, knowing it would come.  But here we are, 6 weeks later.  I love her, but it's not that strong intense love that I had for Colby!  Rationally, I know that it will come, and it's likely due to the rough start and stress we've had with her.  But a part of me is scared that it's not going to come! And I feel awful admitting out loud that I don't love her as much as I do Colby!  Absolutely awful!  I know it'll get easier, and I know that I will love her that much, but I want it to come now to ease my anxiety!

I'm just so tired, and frustrated at the ordeal we've been through.  I'm ready for it to end!

Planning for the week

Being sick yesterday, I didn't eat the best.  I had my usual breakfast - oatmeal and coffee - but then didn't eat lunch.  For dinner, we ordered in.  I tried to make the best decision I could, so I ordered a turkey/lettuce/cheese wrap.  I was expecting something huge and packed with meat and cheese, but was pleasantly surprised that it was small and reasonable!  Of course, we also ordered cheese fries, but I only had a few of those.  It was the first day in 3 weeks that I did not have a salad all day.

I weighed myself this morning - 258.2!  I would love to be below 257 by my official weigh in on Thursday!  And I only have 9 pounds to go to reach my first goal of being under 250!

So now I'm trying to plan meals for this week, trying to think of some new things to eat.  That wrap tastes good but I'm not sure if it would be too many calories. I'll have to figure out what kind of wrap to get.  

And So It Begins...

Last night, I had my 6-week post partum check-up.  Everything went well, but I didn't get home til almost 7:00.  My original plan for dinner was homemade chicken tenders, a vegetable, and salad. But with it being so late, we ended up doing frozen chicken fries and French fries.  Even though I counted the calories for it, I knew it wasn't the best choice.  I did have my salad with it, though.

Anyway, this morning I stepped on the scale...260.4.  Up .4 pounds from yesterday.  Now I know this doesn't sound like much, but it's still an increase on the scale!  I'm telling myself that I know what did it, I can correct it, it's not that much, I'll probably be back down tomorrow, weight fluctuates day to day...all the things that I know to be true.  But I am gripped with fear that the scale is going to keep climbing up despite my efforts!  And that has me feeling powerless and anxious!

Motivation

Confession time: I am a daily weigher.  I know I should only weigh myself once a week, but I can't help myself from checking progress on the scale!  

So this morning I did my usual check, and it said 259.8!!!  The 250's!!!   I was in shock and disbelief so I weighed myself again...260 on the nose.  Damnit!  So I weighed myself again and said I'd take whatever that number was...260.  ::sigh::   But at least I saw it flicker into the 250's so I know I'm close, and that is motivating!

I was trying to think of things that will help keep me motivated - successes, milestones, goals, events coming up that I want to lose weight for.

1.  My main motivation is my kids!  I want to be a good role model for them so that they never have to face what I am going through.  I also don't want them to ever feel embarrassed by me or disappointed in me.

2.  I want to be able to walk into a non-plus size store and shop off the rack!  

3.  My manager from the UK is coming to NY in April.  I've never met him, and I'm embarrassed to meet him how I look right now!  I'd like to be at least 30 pounds lighter by then.  That's 12 weeks away, so about 2 1/2 pounds a week I would need to lose.

4.  I want to be able to be more active without feeling awful!  When it was warmer and we'd take my son outside to play baseball, I was always the one taking the pictures instead of running and having fun with him.  I want that to change.

5.  I want to stop being embarrassed to show pictures of me!

6.  I want to avoid the health problems that run in my family - diabetes, cancer, fibromyalgia, etc.

7.  I want to feel good about myself so I can feel more confident with my husband.  I know he's seen me at my heaviest and loves me and finds me attractive, but I think feeling better about myself with help me feel more attractive to him.  

8.  I want to be able to have fun with my kids!  As I am right now, I will most likely not go on a ride at an amusement park with my kids.  I'd be afraid I wouldn't fit in the seat, so I won't even try, hoping to avoid that embarrassment!  Again, I'm always on the sidelines or behind the camera.

I'm trying to break down my weight loss into smaller goals.  

Goal #1:  Get below 250

Goal #2:  Get below 225

Goal #3:  Get below 200

Goal #4:  Get below 180

Goal #5:  Get below 170

Goal #6:  Get below 160

Ultimate Goal:  150-155

I started at 268, and today I was 260.  So 8 pounds of my 113 pound goal - I've lost 7% of what I want to lose!

Dealing with Fear and Doubt

I am taking part in a Biggest Loser type competition in my Battie group, and today was the official weigh in day.  I was 260.6 this morning!  Down 7.4 pounds from my starting weight!  I am so excited and motivated to get into the 250's!  I haven't been in the 250's since February of last year!  

As motivated as I am right now, I still have that thought of "How long will I keep this up?  What will derail me and when?" My track record for losing weight or maintaining diet and exercise has been pretty weak.  So my brain automatically goes to "You won't last."  

Yet while I have that fear of giving up, I also have a fear of asking for help.  I've written an email to my brother and sister-in-law, who run www.incrediblesmoothies.com and are diet and fitness gurus.  But I can't bring myself to send it.  I'm embarrassed to ask for help - embarrassed that I need to ask for help.  I'm thinking that they'll judge me for this, that they'll think (like I do) that this is another futile attempt and doubt that I can do it, or maybe that they'll try too hard to help - try to tell me what I should/should not eat, try to force me into green smoothies, or make me try to eat in a way that I can't handle or maintain.  And that if I don't eat that way, they'll say I'm sabotaging myself.  

So the email is sitting in my drafts, and I can't hit Send.  

I've told my mom about it. But I guess I did that because that feels safer.  My parents are both very overweight as well, and have about the same level of willpower.  In other words, they have also tired and failed many times at losing weight.  My mom has a lot of health problems and uses that as an excuse for not exercising.  My dad just has no willpower and caves when it comes to food.  He has diabetes.  Both of their health problems could have been either prevented or would be drastically improved with diet and exercise!  And I know that.  I don't want to end up like that.  And yet I know I'm the same way right now.  I feel like telling them about my goals is safer because they've tried and failed too...and they are more accepting of failing than my brother and sister in law.  My parents would judge me less, or not think "Yep, failed again!"

I need some success to keep pushing forward and keep me motivated, but then  I need to keep pushing forward to get that success.  And as long as things are moving, it's easier, but what happens when I plateau, or have a small gain?

My [Meal] Plan of Attack!

I'm not yet cleared for exercise after having my baby girl in December, so I've been really trying to take control of my eating.  I talked with my sister-in-law who has done fantastically well on a weight loss program, losing over 50 pounds!  Her program requires eating eggs or oatmeal for breakfast, then nothing but salad for lunch and dinner.  I was thinking about trying to do that, but here's the problem for me:  

I can't live like that for the rest of my life!

If I can't maintain that way of eating, what happens when I add foods back in?!  What does that type of severe restriction diet teach me about eating better?  

So I started thinking about how I could adjust that to something that I could maintain. After thinking about it, it seemed to me that the carbs and protein (eggs and oatmeal) would make sense to start out the day.  The carbs would kick start your metabolism while the protein would last you longer and keep you feeling more satisfied.  Then for lunch and dinner, you'd want less carbs.  

So what I started doing is having oatmeal and a fruit in the morning along with my coffee (because come on, just carbs are not going to get me moving enough to be mentally functional!).  Then for lunch, I'll have a salad and maybe a veggie burger or hard boiled eggs or portabella mushrooms with spinach and cheese.  I'll also eat a string cheese or banana.  For dinner, I try to have a meat, a hot veggie, and another salad.  

Basically my goal is to decrease the amount of carbs I'm eating and focus the ones I do eat on the morning meal.  And a little bit in the afternoon.  At the same time, I'm increasing my veggie intake.  It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I hate vegetables!!  But, there are a few that I don't mind eating - asparagus, raw carrots, salad, yellow squash (grilled or sauted only), mushrooms (not sure if that technically counts as a veggie but I'm counting it!), beets, spinach, green beans, turnip...and that's about it.  So I'm trying to incorporate these in.  

A Good Start...

I suppose if I'm going to put myself out there about my weight loss journey, I should be completely upfront about what my weight actually is.  If I were truly dedicated, I would post a Facebook announcement to make everyone in my little world aware and try to embarrass myself into not failing!  But I'm not quite that bold yet, and there's still that nagging doubt in the back of my mind - "Will I really do this?  Am I going to give up on it like I have every year for the last God-knows-how-many years?  Do I really want to risk publically humiliating myself if I do?"  The strong person would do it.  I will admit I am not that strong!

A blog feels safer!  On Facebook, I know of at least 30+ people who will definitely see it, and possibly over 100.  With a blog, I have no idea if anyone will actually see it.  I can choose to make it public or wait and see if random people find it.  And you know what? I'm ok with that.  This is not about a grandiose plan of losing weight.  Well, ok, it is...but the main point of this is to work out and write about my feelings, struggles, and successes in my weight loss journey.  It's main purpose is for me!  So I don't feel the need to announce it to the world.

So here goes...I started out (this time around) at 268 on the nose.  That was 2 weeks ago.  This morning, I was 261.8!  I haven't seen that number on the scale in at least a year!  I'm off to a good start, losing 6.2 pounds in 2 weeks!

While I'm excited about that, I'm also keenly aware that I stay motivated when weight is coming off in large chunks like that.  It's when the scale slows down, and the weight loss is minuscule or non-existent (God forbid I have a gain!), that's where my resolution starts to fall apart.

And I know that the weight loss will slow down.  It's normal - completely normal!!  And yet, every time it does, I start to waver.  Same with exercise.  I know the benefits of exercise.  I also understand that when you start out, you may see a gain on the scale.  Again, it's completely normal.  But those little "setbacks" have always been enough to derail my efforts.

One of my Batties, Debbie, once said that in her weight loss journey, whenever she had a tiny loss or a gain, she just had to keep pushing forward, because what was the alternative?  I have to try to keep this in mind.  A small gain on the scale is just that - a small gain.  If I keep trying, I am only doing good things for my body.  If I stop trying, I absolutely will gain back more weight and do bad things for my body.  Seems so simple a concept, and yet so hard to follow in that moment!

For now, I won't worry about exercise.  I haven't been cleared to exercise post-partum yet anyway.  So I'm just going to focus on making the best food choices I can, and worry about exercise later!

Making a Change

Every year I make the same damn New Year's resolution - lose x amount of weight, eat right, exercise. And every year I go strong...for about a month, maybe 2, and then fall flat on my face.  By the next year, my x amount I was supposed to lose turns into x amount I've gained in the course of the year!

I've tried it all - Weight Watchers, Atkins, counting calories. Exercising alone, exercising with friends, joining a gym.  And each time my lack of will power gets in the way. 

When my son was born, I told myself that I needed to get in shape!  I wanted to be a good example for him, never wanted him to experience the kind of hurt and loneliness that being obese caused.  I wanted to be the mom who could keep up with him as he played, riding bikes, kicking a ball around, etc.  In addition, I wanted to make sure that I would be around for a long time to watch him grow, and his children grow.

I've just had my second child, a little girl born on December 13.  My son is almost 3.  And here I am, just as obese as I was then.  In fact, I weighed the exact same amount when I got pregnant with my daughter as I weighed when I got pregnant with my son. I haven't lost and kept off (I have lost and regained repeatedly) a single pound!

And now I find myself back again, making the same New Year's resolution to lose 25-30 pounds this year.  In reality, I have 113 pounds to lose to get to my personal goal.  And that's not even counting pregnancy weight because I am back at my pre-pregnancy weight now!  So on top of what I've already lost, I have an additional 113 pounds to go!

So what can I do this year that I haven't done before?  What will make me stick with this?

I wish I could answer that question.  I already have a support group - my Batties, as we're called.  My husband is more than willing to exercise with me.  I really have no excuses for why I can't stick with it.  

I started watching The Biggest Loser for the first time ever this season.  I'll admit that I hid the fact that I watched it because I was embarrassed...I felt like such a cliche!  But it has been inspiring for me, watching their transformations!  Not only physically but also mentally.  Everyone on the show has a story, and usually a tragic one.  And while I inwardly groan every time they start crying on the show, I did begin to notice that the show is not only about overcoming the physical challenges and barriers to weight loss, but also the mental challenges.  Each contestant has had to figure out and address what caused them to get to this point, why they reacted how they did, and work on the emotions as well as the body.

So, maybe that is what I've neglected to address this whole time.  I don't have a Jillian or Bob or Dolvett to help me through it, but maybe I'm strong enough to do this on my own and write about my progress and emotions.  I certainly do have a lot of feelings...fear, doubt, disgust, embarrassment, insufficiency, etc.  

So this is my sounding board.