Making a Change

Every year I make the same damn New Year's resolution - lose x amount of weight, eat right, exercise. And every year I go strong...for about a month, maybe 2, and then fall flat on my face.  By the next year, my x amount I was supposed to lose turns into x amount I've gained in the course of the year!

I've tried it all - Weight Watchers, Atkins, counting calories. Exercising alone, exercising with friends, joining a gym.  And each time my lack of will power gets in the way. 

When my son was born, I told myself that I needed to get in shape!  I wanted to be a good example for him, never wanted him to experience the kind of hurt and loneliness that being obese caused.  I wanted to be the mom who could keep up with him as he played, riding bikes, kicking a ball around, etc.  In addition, I wanted to make sure that I would be around for a long time to watch him grow, and his children grow.

I've just had my second child, a little girl born on December 13.  My son is almost 3.  And here I am, just as obese as I was then.  In fact, I weighed the exact same amount when I got pregnant with my daughter as I weighed when I got pregnant with my son. I haven't lost and kept off (I have lost and regained repeatedly) a single pound!

And now I find myself back again, making the same New Year's resolution to lose 25-30 pounds this year.  In reality, I have 113 pounds to lose to get to my personal goal.  And that's not even counting pregnancy weight because I am back at my pre-pregnancy weight now!  So on top of what I've already lost, I have an additional 113 pounds to go!

So what can I do this year that I haven't done before?  What will make me stick with this?

I wish I could answer that question.  I already have a support group - my Batties, as we're called.  My husband is more than willing to exercise with me.  I really have no excuses for why I can't stick with it.  

I started watching The Biggest Loser for the first time ever this season.  I'll admit that I hid the fact that I watched it because I was embarrassed...I felt like such a cliche!  But it has been inspiring for me, watching their transformations!  Not only physically but also mentally.  Everyone on the show has a story, and usually a tragic one.  And while I inwardly groan every time they start crying on the show, I did begin to notice that the show is not only about overcoming the physical challenges and barriers to weight loss, but also the mental challenges.  Each contestant has had to figure out and address what caused them to get to this point, why they reacted how they did, and work on the emotions as well as the body.

So, maybe that is what I've neglected to address this whole time.  I don't have a Jillian or Bob or Dolvett to help me through it, but maybe I'm strong enough to do this on my own and write about my progress and emotions.  I certainly do have a lot of feelings...fear, doubt, disgust, embarrassment, insufficiency, etc.  

So this is my sounding board.